The advantage of being happy w your spouse:

It has been about 1 year. In the May of 2006, I took over the project of my marriage seriously. It took me about a quarter to close on Neetu Pandey as my prospective wife. Neetu and I are now approaching our first wedding anniversary, and so I though to pen down the journey so far.

People often talk about having a clear picture of what personality you will marry, what your spouse should have and should not have. By the time I took on this project, I had worked for about 6 years, and had had the privilege of a lot of female companions, most of them from my workplace. At the least, I knew very clearly what turns me off in a woman, and hence, I started from the end in mind.

When I visited the profiles of eligible gals on the matrimonial site, I used my filters to weed out incompatible women. I was very clear on what I do NOT want; education, physical beauty, etc. I recall that when my granny asked me what is the most important aspect that I want in my life, I quipped nonchallantly that I want her to be beautiful and sexy. My grannie blushed, but I had a poker face. And I re-asserted myself.

I have seen quite a few of my friends stating that they want an intelligent woman, and that she must be "presentable." They don't want beautiful wives, just presentable wives. Hang on, what does that mean! I tell you, most of them chaps are being plainly stupid. Most (I am being politically correct in my usage of words) men want the best combo of Mallika Sherawat and Aishwarya Rai, but are cowards to state that. Boys, you have to sleep with your wives day in and night out, and we all agree that the initial physical euphoria may fade out before the maiden wedding anniversary knocks; but still why not get the best for even those few months!

For a man, it is important to assess his limitations in the marriage market. Face it, we all are commodities in the market, and we are being assessed for the deal. I knew my limitations as a person, and wanted a woman who may fill in "the gaps." And I chose Neetu precisely for those qualities.

I wanted a babe, and of course, I fell for her because she is beautiful and sexy. Next, I was impressed by this self-made woman... who had been working right from her initial grad days, and had continued to pursue higher education (MSW, LLB). I could relate to her independence and freedom. On the lighter side, I am die-hard desi eater, and wanted a mom-like wife who will be blessed w exceptionally good culinary skills. Neetu scores heavily at this angle, too.

I still recall that in the first phone conversation, we told each other about our strengths and weaknesses (we knew ours!), and what we want (and DO NOT want) from our respective spouses. The clarity of thoughts and words established that we will be great communicators. And then... as they say, the rest is the history.

I reckon that one may never be sure about her/his spouse before marriage. At the end, it is a risk... a gamble, but we just need to calculate it. Most people spend their lives without understanding themselves, and then they expect to understand their spouses even before "living" with them in the same home.

Good luck, hunters :-).

Effective Trainings:

As professionals, we all attend sundry types of trainings, ranging from hardcore technical trainings to soft-skills workshops. I myself have attended numerous trainings, and my experience has been rather pathetic. I have relished just a handful of trainings in my career of 7-years.

In this conversation, we look at what makes a training effective.

1. Who enrols? Why?
At times, I have seen engineers being asked by their managers to attend a particular training. In other cases, the engineers enrol for a particular training to take an off from work. In both these cases, the point is that the attendee does not have any reason to attend the training. He does not know clearly his objectives.

2. What is the topic? Who teaches?
Most often, the topic is not stated in simple enough words. Few days back, I attended a workshop on "Assertiveness Skills" from the British Council. I had earlier attended the workshop of "Effective Communication Skills." I was disappointed to find some exercises and text being common across these two different trainings. I wasted a part of my time.

Another problem is that the training co-ordinator does not provide the details of the trainer. I have seen people enrolling for trainings just because they are impressed by the credentials of the trainer.

3. Feedback?
I am not sure how often the training co-ordinator takes feedback from the trainer. Typically, the trainees are requested to fill a feedback form, that in itself is pretty limited. Although the feedback form is a step in the right direction, it will not help us reach the goal.

4. Rotate trainers for the same topic.
I believe that to be a good learner, we should be a good teacher. In my college, I used to teach my gang a particular topic. That helped me remember the topic very well, because my gang asked me hell lot of Qs, and I had to answer them. I did good research on the subject and left a few open-issues so that my dear pupils may exercise their grey cells.

After teaching, I think the next best way to learn something is by writing it (read: typing it). The objective is that we should be able to organize our thoughts and learnings, and the best way to do that is to communicate our learning to others... through either verbal communication or typed/written communication.

5. Get precise.
At times, the training material is not very well composed. It tries to beat about the bush, and state the same point again and again. Worse, the trainer keeps bouncing back to the old concepts that he has already taught. The training material needs to be very crisp. Simple and short declarative sentences. Weed out unncessary words.

Hire your boss

A friend and I were just passing our time over a casual IM when my friend shot the Q -- "Vivek, what if you were to hire your boss?"

I was stunned for a while. And then I broke into a convulsion. My friend helped me by repeating the Q, and then challenged me to answer it. I then realized then seriousness behind the Q.

We all have seen (or at least heard of) bad bosses, and a few lucky souls have been blessed with a good boss, too. So, how do we define our "dream boss?" What are the personal and professional traits that we wish to see in our boss? And the best, what if the firm gives us the opportunity to hire our boss. (I know the Q may sound stupid, and a far-fetched cry, but the answer should be interesting.)

The one most-coveted trait I want in my boss is that he has mutual trust with his sub-ordinates. This one quality has the potential to change the entire business. In my career of 7 years, I have been blessed with 1 such boss. She has had tremendous trust in my ability to do anything and everything. She used to tell me, "Vivek, you have a fire. Don't let it go!"

Let's reflect on this. What happens to you when your boss shows "genuine" trust in your ability... ability to solve a crisis, or to meet the deadline of a project, or to produce the product with high quality. I deliberately used the word "genuine" here. There are cases when your boss may make you a scapegoat, and emotionally blackmail you, such as, "Oh Vivek, you are the best. You have never disappointed me. I know you can do this!", or, "Vivek, this is not what I expect from you. You are the best in the team."

In stead, consider a case when you made a mistake, and your boss says this to you -- "Vivek, it is OK. We all make mistakes. Let's learn from the mistake, and ensure that we do not repeat them." Did you differentiate between the choice of pronouns here... from "I" and "you" to "we."

When your boss reflects trust in you, you get that zing-thing in your heart to do better next time, to give your best. Basically, we all start off by seeing our work as "the company's work", "the boss' work." However, genuine trust may change our perspective, and we may see our work as "our work."

I have come across various case-studies when one leave the firm because one wishes to leave one's boss. It is simple; for an employee, her boss matters the most in the entire company, so much as the boss becomes synonymous with the company. When we blame our company, we actually blame our boss, or our team mates. Most likely, we do not have the perspective to judge an entire firm, and are prejudiced to see just a handful of people to represent the entire company.

For all of my dear readers who either presently have or have had a "good" boss, a big WOW from me. If you have had a good boss in the past, I have a Q for you -- "Do you want to work again with your ex-boss?" :-).

Happy bossing!

Trust Others Behind Their Back:

A while back, my teammate and I went downstairs for a break (read: drown ourselves in a cup of coffee). The conversation started with the customary "How was the weekend?" type Qs. Soon, it drifted to the best topic he and I have known for years... "how much does your boss suck?" ;-).

Just as I was about to open my mouth, my mate found another couple of chaps starting at a corner, fagging the life outta a cigarette. And there began a litany.

I felt damn frustrated. Bloody those 3 guys were jumping on one another in recalling my boss with all the nice phrases they have learnt all these lives, and I was finding it darn difficult to offer my woes. After trying sundry times, I pledged not to speak. I wanted them to realize the curse they were inflicting on nature, by not giving me an opportunity to speak :-(. What started as an ego clash soon transformed into a resolution.

A few moments back, I was dying to bully my boss; and now, I promised to myself that I will test myself on how long I can hold myself from criticizing the poor soul. I conquered myself for a good 20 minutes. (I bet a gang of IT pros may spend an eternity bullying their boss!)

Then, I went ahead, and promised myself to change the perspective of my teammates. I pledged to give "the benefit of doubt" to my boss. I asked my guys whether they had expressed their "concerns" in front of the boss. I told them that maybe we do not see the picture from the perspective of my boss; maybe it is not the person who they hate, but his style of working, and hence they should twist their criticism so that they criticise not the person, but this way of working. It was my time, I kept on delivering the sermon, and my poor friends were spellbound, not because I spoke very well, but because I spoke something they could never imagine me to utter. (I was a typical IT pro whose favourite time pass was to curse his boss.)

After I started gasping for some oxygen, one of the three patient listeners reminded us all that it had been a good 1 hour since we came down. All four of us headed to the elevator, and did not discuss that topic.

When I was about to swipe my card, and enter the office, one of my teammates held me by my shoulder, and said, "That was lovely, Vivek. I wish you ever say this for me, when I am not with you. It is great to have people who do not break your trust behind you." I smiled back, and said "You dare try to be like our boss." We had a good laugh, and then we returned to our desks.

hazaar raahein mud k dekhin, kahin se koi sada na aayi,
badi wafa se nibhaai tum ne, hamaari thodi se bewafaai :-)

What my granny did not teach me:

Sundry times, I have listened to people passing nuggets of experience and wise info to others stating that their granny told them so. Each time I heard someone mentioning one's mom-dad or granny/grandpa, I went into retrospection.

My mom died when I was 4. I did not live with my dad, and hence that takes away another cardinal relation out of my scope of life. I have been brought up by my maternal granny (Hindi: naani), maternal auntie (Hindi: mausi), and maternal uncle (Hindi: maama).

My family was a typical lower middle-class family. The members were no great people, pretty ordinary folks. They did not have talk about great values, great *sanskaar*, and all related stuff. They talked about bread and butter, study, relatives, etc. Bottom-line: I don't have anything great to share about my family. Err, hang on, I actually do have :-).

As I said, my family was (or rather, is) a lower middle-class family, and like all such desi families, the issue, most often, was the moolah. We had a decent life, and were darn happy. Much to my disappointment now, the only talk-of-the-town under our roof at that time was money. Not that we cribbed about lack of money, but definitely, we all wished if we had more money.

However, in retrospection, I believe that the money-crunch was the biggest experience of my life. When I started working, I essentially became a miser. I just hated the thought of pulling out my wallet, and spending money I explicitly recall an instance when my 3 flatmates (Samip, Faisal, and Bikash) and I went to Priya Cinema in Delhi for a flick and food. At that time, a McD's burger costed Rs 85. I reminisce perusing over whether to eat the burger or not, and I finally declined. What followed was an emotional melodrama between me and my friends. Unsavory episode!

I have grown better over the years. Yes, I love to earn more money, add more assets to my portfolio, save more and more money... but importantly, I have learned to spend money (although I am still far away from being a thrift).

I don't know whether this is a positive or a negative in my personality, but this is a part of me. My task is to vigil over this personality trait, and maintain a proper balance.

:-)

Work-life balance:

The motivation behind this essay comes from the phrase "work-life balance" itself. Please pause for a few moments, and reflect on the phrase. It basically projects that work ain't a part of life. How interesting... and untrue!

Anyway, if we forgive the inherent flaw in the phrase, we may look at the concept. My few friends have been debating over this concept over the last few days, and are trying to compose a list of IT companies that offer "good" WLB.

I deem that this pursuit is inherently flawed. And more flawed is the perspective that looks for companies that provide good WLB. Firstly, a company will never provide you any balance. It is upto all of us to create one. I guess what the seekers wanna know is that which companies provide flexible timings, good recreation sources, and where work comes along with fun, parties, and camaraderie; where bosses are more like buddies, and where people are encouraged to ask Qs, and seek As.

Again, let's accept that the Qs are inherently subjective, and so may be their As. I recall a quote I read somewhere -- if there are 2 persons in a room, there are, in fact, 6 personalities in the room; how each person thinks he is, how each person perceives the other person, and how each person actually is.

After 7 years in the IT industry, I do not strive for WLB. I have read many stuff appealing me to do what I love. Till now, I thought all that was crap. The reason was simple -- I did not know what I love to do. The last 2 years or so have revealed this. More correctly, I realize what is it that I do NOT love to do, and that helps me see distantly what I love to do.

Hence, the right Q should be to ask yourself what is it that you do NOT wanna do, then find out what is it that "may" interest you. Finally, find this work. Forget about WLB, and all related shit :-).

Happy working!

Choose life:

An interesting aspect of the lives of most (if not all!) of us is that we all know what is to be known. I have listened to my friends after regular cocktail parties sharing their intellectual property on what life means in terms of priorities and choices. We all indeed know all the philosophy, but we rarely follow it.

The basic mantra of the lives of all of us is -- be happy. But we all rarely make choices and decisions that make us happy. At times, either our definition of "happiness" is majorly screwed, or we are too scared of taking the "right" (and not the "easy") decisions.